Some Words

Finishing a graduate program can feel like getting back a life you did not know you had lost. I finished with the bar exam a few days ago, and suddenly feel as if parts of my personality I had not known were shut off have re-emerged. It is a surreal feeling. I look around and find that I am judging myself, not on my past actions, but on the viewpoints that I have. I do not argue with the viewpoints themselves, but I find myself questioning why I had felt the need to shut off certain ambitions, hobbies, etc.

Two nights ago, I picked up my bass guitar for the first time in at least a month. I had done scale work when I was highly stressed during finals, but this was the first time in a long time I had picked up the instrument purely to enjoy playing it. It was as close to revelatory as you can get without actually experiencing a revelation. I found myself wondering why I had voluntarily subjected myself to this kind of self abnegation.

I’ve also pushed through several books without feeling guilty. More on that later. It’s a great feeling, a feeling of freedom, a little fear over the debt that’s looming. But it was a reminder, I think I got out fairly close to unscathed. But in this economy, people talk about the debt you can take on going back to school. There are other things you can lose. I should have considered that more closely.